Can You See What I See...?

I hate it when you speak your mind, and the other person doesn't like it and so they end the conversation.

(sing-song voice): one more left, one more left, one more left, one more left...

*uber chibi winnie* there's only one more left and then I'm free to just relax!! Before my mum kicks me out of da house and tells me to go find a part-time job so I can get experience!! And yes, even though I'm 18, infinitely smarter and definitely more mature than most others out there, I probably still can't sleepover or else suffer the displeasured looks of parents. oh joy.....



BUT STILL THERE'S ONLY ONE MORE LEFT!!!!!

heh, mum doesn't believe that I'm still obsessed with Harry Potter. If only she knew.....actually scratch that I'd rather she not know anything about my obsessions and thoughts. That way she can't interfere and mess up my sole joys and happinesses.

well, that was a random post. oh well. ^^

first they tell me to not stress so much, now they're telling me to study more. make up your mind!!!! and to start worrying about my academic habits NOW of all times, well honestly, it's a bit too late!!! I HATE YOU HYPOCRITES!!! AND BESIDES I AM MORE THAN CAPABLE OF ORGANISING MY STUDYING!!! HATE YOU ALL!!!


gonna post a song which has kept me going these past few weeks:

I'm Alive lyrics

by Becca

Nothing I say comes out right
I can't love without a fight
No-one ever knows my name
When I pray for sun, it rains
I'm so sick of wasting time
But nothings moving in my mind
Inspiration can't be found
I get up and fall but...

[CHORuS]
I'm ALIVE!
I'm ALIVE! Oh, yeah
Between the good and bad's where you'll find me
Reaching for heaven
I will fight
And I sleep when I die
I’ll live, My life, I'm ALIVE!

Every lover breaks my heart
And I know it from the start
Still I end up in a mess
Every time I second Guess
All my friends just run away
When I'm having a bad day
I would rather stay in bed
But I know there's reasons

[CHORuS]Repeat

When I'm bored to death at home
When he won't pick up the phone
When I'm stuck in second place
Those regrets I can't erase
Only I can change the end
Of the movie in my head
There's no time for misery
I won't feel sorry for me

[CHORuS]
[CHORuS]

 

search it if you have a sare minute. quite an invigorating song...

I honestly didn't think that, given the chance, I would have said that. Stupid emotions.

But it's true what I said.........and hopefully it's for the best.

 

sigh.

11 days to HSC...and I have a feeling I'm going to die in one of them. meep. i have officially postponed studying economics 'til tomorrow, as I am in absolutely no mood to study anymore right now.

in other news, i'm finding nothing new and interesting about drarry anymore. however, have found an author who seems to write an intriguing ron, so i may be shipping harry/ron for a bit. shall see.

i have done surprisingly quite a bit this past week, but at the same time not a lot. i don't know whether that's good or bad. =______=  on the one hand, i'm doing some work. on the other hand, i'm not exactly tackling the harder subjects/areas yet. oh dear. >.< really should though.


anyhow, NEW ANIME OBSESSION ALERT!! well, not exactly new, has been a love of mine for the past year or so....the stunning new manga/anime called "Kuroshitsuji" or Black Butler, and not only are the characters pretty, it's set in Victorian era, so the costumes and scenery are lovely.  =3 love it when i have a new obsession ^O^

it's my 18th today. happy birthday to me!! i am officially an adult!

normally i would write in my diary, but i've run out of pages to write in...hence my posting to here.

it's been a long road to get to this stage in life - graduated from year 12 two days ago, one of the most memorable moments yet. and in less than 3 weeks hsc starts.

it's hard to express exactly what i feel right now. part of me is motivated, but at the same time i'm tired and just want to rest. the path of a student sure isn't easy. how do we manage all of this? i'm not sure.

just please let me get through the next 40 or so days and survive....


in other news, lj isn't letting me put up new userpics. FAIL.

Do you honestly believe that after all these years of being friends, I wouldn't know their personalities? That I wouldn't understand why they're always arguing with others?

I KNOW they are problematic at times, have difficulties with their relationships with others. In fact they're just like you at times. You are such a bloody HYPOCRITE. How DARE you tell me who to make friends with, when your life is such a miserable farce?

I refuse to follow you in your footsteps, to end up just like you. I will forge my own path, with the wisdom and knowledge as fitting of a Hornsby Girl. Never give up - we can do it - and I REFUSE to be you.

You can live your own miserable life full of only traditions. I will prove to you that a hybrid of both the modern and traditional way of life is the only way to survive in this world.

And so it is confirmed. The King of Pop has passed away, possibly from a sudden cardiac arrest. Just last week we Year 12s were in the cottage dancing to Jackson 5 songs during lunch. It's unbelievable. I can't say I was a dedicated fan, but I admired his tenacity, his dedication to his career and of course, his truly memorable songs. I would have loved to see him live in concert.

For all his controversial lifestyle, he was magnificent singer, with incredible dance moves, absolutely awesome military jackets; truly a man with star-quality and immense stage-presence. He leaves behind a legion of loyal fans. All around the world, fans are in mourning, while others dance in celebration of his life and work. It can be said that he was one of the most influential artists in the world of media, shaping the music we hear in this day and age.

So rest in peace, Michael Jackson. You will be forever remembered as the original King of Pop.

             




http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/people/king-of-pop-michael-jackson-dead-from-heart-attack-20090626-cyjk.html

I've gotten bored of doing my japanese homework so I  shall just post another blog up to pass the time. la-di-da-di-da-di-dum....

Recently I've been trying to figure out if I've actually ever fallen in love. I'm still not quite sure. I thought I did, but now I'm second guessing.

It's possible that due to my overly possessive streak that I've had since birth, (e.g.: convinced that my cousin was trying to steal my sister away from me whenever my sister played with said cousin when we were all kids.....not liking it when other kids took over a whole playground equipment which I claimed at the beginning of recess.....making sure that everyone's attention is on me....yeah.) that I've mistaken possessiveness for love. Then again, being possessive of another person is an aspect of love, or so fanfiction says.

So the next rumination agenda is, did I experience possessive-friend emotions or possessive-lover emotions? Am I possessive because I like having that person's attention all on myself? Lately, said person (let's name this one "A") has been angsting about another (this one's B), and I keep feeling twinges of jealousy. This is generally normal, I presume, but the thing is I don't see myself ever having a happy future together with A. At first I thought it was because that A loves B again, and that she was angsting to me about it I found it annoying, but then I tried imagining A with another person and I was still annoyed.

Am I annoyed because A has the hots for someone other than me, or am I annoyed because A has someone to HAVE the hots for and I don't? But I don't think I love A anymore anyway. In fact, everytime I imagine being intimate with anyone I think, "Ew." And shudder.

I'm thinking that I get annoyed because B is making A sad, and I don't like it when friends make other friends sad because they're idiots. And I think I'm annoyed at A for liking B despite the angsty emotions B causes. Maybe I'm just overprotective..... In fact, I treat A much like I treat my cousin these days. Maybe my protective streak is getting out of hand again. 'Cuz while I do love A, I don't think I'm in love with A.

Seriously, B should just accept A already and make all our lives easier.....but then I'm scared that A will just stop hanging out with me and spend every single minute with precious B. 'Cuz B is A's best friend apparently, even though A doesn't trust B...or so A says. And if A stops hanging out with me then I'm gonna be real pissed cuz I did put quite a lot of time and caring into this friendship and I don't like being dropped after being used as a friendship-crutch or something. Yes, you hear me A? I'm accusing you of using me as a friendship-crutch....even though I'm pretty sure you're not, and I'm just being paranoid/angsty. Then again, you don't even read other people's lj anyway, so i don't even know why i'm addressing you.

So yeah, I think...as long as A still hangs out with me on a regular basis, I should be fine if/when/should B and A get together. Again. *sigh* People are so fickle these days. Honestly, I should just gain best friend status just to make myself feel better. But friendships don't work that way, do they. *laughs*

And I feel like a selfish pig sometimes. When I give time and effort towards something, I want the same reciprocated. Don't like being used. And I guess most people feel that way too. But applied to friendship, giving time and caring towards someone and then expecting it to be reciprocated...seems really.....childish actually. Then again, I am rather childish, really. I freely admit it. Those who know me know that my internal dreamland has remained the same since I was 12.

*sigh* Then again, the time and effort I put towards this particular friendship is less than what normal friends contribute normally. Maybe I'm just not fit to be anyone's best friend....knowing that I don't even spend nearly enough time talking to any of my friends at all. I don't call them regularly, don't text them regularly, my emails are sparse, I don't go on sleepovers, I don't go out unless it's holidays and I hardly see any of them outside school.

....yeah, so totally don't deserve a best friend..... let alone be anyone's lover. HA. Sometimes I wonder how A put up with me for that long in the first place. I wonder how ANY of my friends put up with me. I try to be humorous....problem is I don't know how to be funny-humorous, only witty/sarcastic-humorous. 


It's at times like this that I really really really feel like a loner...... and that I stay at home too much for me to actually grow and have a fulfilling teenage life.

Life would be so much easier if I just ruled the world.

I don't know if I can make it through this year with my temper in check. The amount of work I clear each day is far from equal to the amount of work given to us each day. I'm so damn wretched about everything it's like everything is falling apart around my pointy ears. And I don't even have pointy ears.

I'm really regretting taking so many subjects that require effort, thought and writing. Why couldn't I just be a numerical genius and work solely with numbers and feel happy with it? But no, stupid me just had to be interested in Histories and How Society Functions and I Want to Travel So I Must Learn Languages....in short, everything that requires individual thought and processing, I took and am taking. I really need to dump something.

On the brighter side.......I'm struggling to come up with anything. I guess I have everything on standby - I've got my related texts for ext. english, and i know what went on in the Stalemates of the early 19th Century - I just have to bloody write them. I HATE it. And i need to identify good and bad sources. And then I need to write a letter - how the bloody hell do I do that. And then I have stuff like stupid tutorings - really want to just shred them to pieces.

It's just that everything is happening so quickly. It's already Week 5, and i still don't feel like it should be this far into the term. It's absolutely crazy. I honestly feel that time should be travelling slower. Not this fast - hell no.

Will we ever get time to just sit back and enjoy the air we breathe in unconciously, and savour the sweet delicate tastes of crackling excitement bursting across our tongues? To hear the waves chasing up the pale yellow sandbeaches under the gaze of the golden yolk that is the moon? Oh how I long for those days to come again...

Dear Mother dearest,

Does it LOOK like a care what you think? You don't want me to be hurt, well guess what wakey wakey I've been hurt, had my heart shattered, cried a thousand times over it and have already moved on. It's not as crap as you say it is. I honestly cannot say I believe nor condone your ideas of today's society and guess what, NO ONE in my generation will. Well, except for some, but at least they aren't anal like you.

Just 'cuz you don't like touching or being touched, doesn't mean I have to be 'pristine and unsullied'. I mean, get REAL. Relationships happen left and right and not every single one of them conform with the freaking Bible. The Bible is a code, a guideline...it was written by MEN, people who SIN and MAKE MISTAKES and are INCREDIBLY GULLIBLE and it was written AGES AGO. Times change, they probably exaggerated 1000x or something. You don't even think that physical contact is NECESSARY after you're married. Hello, that's what marriage is for!!! Honestly, no wonder your marriage went down the freaking drain.

Do you want me to have no friends at all? "You don't need to be so close to your friends, they'll just leave you to live their own lives later anyway." "It's really not necessary to LIVE with your friends." Okay so you don't want me to live with friends. Then you say, "Fly as far as you can after school. Get a scholarship, or if not, still get out of here." So you expect me to be able to live by myself in my first year of uni, a girl with no past job experience, trying to juggle uni work, maintain a social life and make things work WITHOUT DEPENDING ON ANYONE ELSE???

YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE ATTITUDE, MORAL AND MENTAL PROBLEM, NOT ME! Stop unloading your unnecessary worries on me cuz the only person I ever cared for a huge freaking lot has happenened and gone and I'm still living!! I'm entering Year 12, father is coming back on Saturday, YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF MENDING THIS 20 YEAR OLD RIFT BETWEEN YOU TWO, you expect me to ACTUALLY FALL IN LOVE WITH A MAN WHEN EVERY SINGLE MAN I'VE EVER LAYED MY EYES ON IS A BASTARD, you want me to do my best in the HSC and on top of that I'm meant to stop having nightmares and scream out randomly in my sleep, things I CAN'T EVEN CONTROL, all just so that YOU CAN STOP FEELING GUILTY AND ASHAMED.

Geez, mum, that's not hard at all, not hard AT ALL.

If I suicide before graduation, please don't be surprised. Honestly, it's just a matter of time.



...someone save me,.........please........

People at Claire's unbirthday party seemed to think I acted Bastet really well. My thoughts on this?

"Who said I was ACTING...?" :P

1. A dessert buffet party
2. Learn how to skip stones across a volume of water
3. Black knee-high lace-up boots with red-tartan ruffles and no heels
4. Find a Yellow Star Gem on Facebook fluff(friends) application before the Treasure Hunt closes
5. People who will road trip with me around Australia
6. Finishing that never-ending Darren Shan Saga fanfiction...
7. Play Phantom of the Opera on a piano-organ in a cathedral
8. Stage the entire Rent Musical
9.

I'll add more later....

I intensely dislike creative writing on demand with a fiery passion, and wish it will burn in hell for all of eternity.





Nah, that's way too cliche...

But still very very true.

I really need to find that online poem about erratic and tempermental computers and their 404 errors.....

I got Broadband!! finally. Hallejuah.

I don't have MSN. Yay. :D

Sarcasm really doesn't become of me.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit and the best form of humour. 

I really want Friday to come.

I want Monday to start already. 

I can sort of play Phantom and the Opera on the piano.....sort of....... 

• Custom CD
• Fluffy cushion!!!! XD (Cuz every evil genius needs one...*nods)
• New diary/artbook with sleek green pacer
• Contact lens set
• Green 'schmexy' singlet top
• Blue/silver bangles
• Hours of memories with absolutely awesome friends

THIRTEEN THINGS YOU LOVE: [these are in no particular order btw.]
01. Anime/Manga
02. Internet
03. School
04. Family
05. Friends
06. Music
07. Japanese
08. Culture
09. Movies
10. Random designs
11. Travelling for relaxation
12. My childhood
13. Walking to school

TWELVE MOVIES:
01. Pirates of the Caribbean
02. Lord of the Rings
03. Lilo and Stitch
04. Oliver!
05. Nana
06. Shrek 2
07. Anastacia
08. Rent
09. Little Miss Sunshine
10. The Pianist
11. Harry Potter 2...for the Slytherin Common Room
12. The Prestige

ELEVEN GOOD BANDS:

01. Savage Garden. So they've been disbanded for ages. I don't care.
02. Green Day
03. U2
04. Two-Mix
05. The Living End
06. Blink-182
07. Youth Group
08. Green Day
09. Panic! At The Disco
10. Linkin-Park
11. Evanescence

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU:
01. I am of average Asian height.
02. I am waiting for my hair to grow out again.
03. I am constantly finishing off homework piles.
04. I am constantly procrastinating while trying to finish off homework piles.
05. There are days when I just look to the sky and ask the good deities above, "Why ME?" or I sigh.
06. My friends are good for me. Almost too good for me. Almost. They're still great.
07. I *shock horror* like sport...big progress from primary
08. I have been known to be bossy and unreasonable.
09. I believe Draco Malfoy is hotter than Harry Potter.
10. I find it amusing to annoy/terrorise people.

NINE GOOD FRIENDS:
01. Victoria
02. Radhika
03. Hwa-Yong
04. Julienne
05. Arianne
06. Varuni
07. Arunima
08. Amanda
09. many others which shall not be left out just because of this stupid quiz's limitations!!!!

EIGHT FAVORITE FOODS/DRINKS:
01. Ramen
02. Pasta
03. Sushi
04. Milk
05. Chocolate Milk, hot or cold
06. Juice
07. Fruit Salad
08. Carbonated liquids...any kind will do. Just not too sweet, 'cuz then it tastes disgusting.

SEVEN THINGS YOU WEAR DAILY:
01. Underpants
02. Bra
03. Glasses/contacts
04. Socks
05. Shoes
06. Watch
07. Bracelet

SIX THINGS THAT YOU HATE:
01. Smoke
02. When people suddenly become anti-social or when they mope around for longer than necessary, say, for more than two days, depending on the degree of seriousness of the situation they are moping about.
03. Heated yelling, when it's obvious that both sides are both right and wrong
04. Bitchiness
05. Lack of tact, especially when they know they're being tactless
06. Slow internet connection

FIVE THINGS YOU DO DAILY: [on weekdays]
01. Wake up and press the sleep button
02. Go to school
03. Make the most of my time at school
04. Make sure I'm handing in work on time
05. Think about the meaning of life and where my life is heading and ways to have more fun.

FOUR TELEVISION SHOWS YOU WATCH:
01. Iron Chef
02. Mythbusters
03. News...I guess.
04. Other stuff, like Rove or the Simpsons when I have time.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT:
01. To be able to make a whole meal from scratch
02. Broadband
03. Sex... Joking...still wanting my parents to stop thinking I'm depressed 

TWO THINGS YOU SAY OFTEN:
01. Yes/No.
02. *raised eyebrow*

ONE SAYING YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE BY:
01. "Some stare at things and ask, 'Why?' I dream of things that cannot be and ask, 'Why not?'" - R. B. Kennedy, or someone similar....

Well actually it's the week after exams already. I've just been too lazy to blog. Got Science and Maths back. Science was acceptable. I don't want Commerce back, really don't want it. I'm sure I stuffed half the definitions. Stupid Adcock.

What is it with teachers and assignments? First day back after exams and already we're being harrassed by the Science Department to hand in our 'handouts' and organize our presentations on climate change. Geez...And then in English we're bombarded with a silly, unmeaningful, time-consuming, mindless rambling and waffling assignment known as advertisment analysis. Completely pointless in my opinion. We couldn't just learn about it, noooooooo, of course they'd never EVER let us just learn it. We must understand it and be able to regurgitate it back out word for word without mistake. Thank god we're not having half-wit rowe next year.

Leanne and Mandy gave me my b'day prezzie today!!! Dual Disc. Awesome! (A month late though...) Deb was better on the timing thing, only 1.5 weeks late. The Franz Ferdinand album is now my latest acquisition. Lovely choice of present. :D

Mum bought me my formal dress yesterday...it's charcoal grey (kinda in the pattern of this blog), is glittery and comes with a scarf. She said that if I found another one that looked nice as well next year I could buy that as well. Readers, take note; this is what it is like to have your life planned out for you. Not that I don't like it, but I really didn't think we were going to buy it. Mum just suggested I should start trying out some styles of dresses and the next thing I knew she was at the counter paying already. Maaaaaaaaaan, now I have to do MORE shopping to find shoes that go with the gown and jewellery! More time-consuming activities....I really rather just 3/4 pants, a T-shirt, ankle socks and sneakers...with cool suede or leather jewellery....preferably either black or brown. With highlights of brighter colours...and a stylish jacket or short-sleeved hoodie. Jacket would be a collared red-denim jacket. The hoodie would resemble a waist-cut checkered shirt...except with short-sleeves and a hood.

Now all I have to do is find the money to finance my refined tastes. That's where the world domination plan comes in. *sigh* That's all I need. MORE planning.

This week of torture (exams) has nearly ended! The tunnel has finally shown its end! I can see the bright white circle coming nearer! 

Pity. Still 2 more exams to go. Damn pity. 

Aside from Commerce and maybe Science, I'm pretty pleased with my answers. Snaps to me. Can't wait till end of the week. It's gonna be freedom from then on. It'll be one activity after another. *utmost glee*

For some unknown reason I seem to be constantly falling asleep during the day. Then at night, even if I'm really tired, I can't get to sleep. Most disturbing. Kinda annoying too. Most mornings I act like a sea biscuit that's really been out at sea too long and is all soggy. Then the imbalance of sugars or whatever kicks in and I go on temporary highs. Normally, I'd find it kinda cool. Not during exams. Way not cool during exams.

I really should write more. Later. When I've finished stupid alcohol and tobacco marketing in media. Can't seem to spell manufacturers right...the first time I got something like manfacturrerers. 

Good news. End of Exams party tomorrow!!! Score!!!